I am really sad my grandma is gone.

I have a couple projects I am working on, but I didn’t feel I could move forward with posting those until I found someway to commemorate my grandma, affectionately known as Mimi. Mimi passed away on Valentine’s Day, and since then I have been sad and in shock. I am very fortunate to have an amazing support system, an amazing therapist, access to mental health medication, and healthy coping mechanisms. Don’t worry or feel sorry for me. I am going to be okay, and part of being ok is being honest about how I feel.

I’ve been journaling more and meditating which has really helped, and I have just been giving myself time to rest and process everything. I have also been watching a lot of Ghost Adventures and playing an obscene amount of Best Fiends. Seriously, I added the game last week and I am almost to level 200. I also had just started taking Zoloft about a week before she passed, which also helps. I am planning on doing a full post just about that experience, as well. I also cried a lot. I cried with Brice. I cried with my family. I cried with Dibbles. Crying is an important part of the grieving and healing process.

It took sometime to figure out what I wanted to write for the blog about this. At Mimi’s funeral last week, I read a speech that I feel encapsulates everything I’d want to say about her and my feelings about losing her, so I am going to share that at the end of this post. The inspiration for writing this speech actually came from this video that randomly appeared in my feed despite never having watched this creator before:

My purpose in sharing the speech and everything mentioned above is to first just commemorate my Mimi. Secondly, writing this all out publicly is a way for me to emotionally express and process my grief. It’s cathartic and one of my favorite ways to cope. Lastly, I am hoping in sharing my honest feelings about all of this that anyone who finds the post, my family included, can feel a little less alone in their loss.

My Speech for Mimi:

When my mom told Mimi that she was going to name me Kaitlyn, Mimi told her “Don’t name her that! Every Kaitlyn I know is a total chatterbox,” So naturally, I have some things today say.

Before Mimi was Mimi, I knew her as Granny Sandy. Then this little twerp named Reighan came along and renamed her Mimi. I don’t know how it happened, but even though I was the oldest grandchild, she was known henceforth as Mimi. Mimi was giving, composed, and she loved us all very much. She was also stubborn, sarcastic, and strong-willed, which she definitely passed down to us women in the family. I am really shocked and sad that Mimi is gone. I am sad that I won’t get to hug her again or hear her voice. I am sad that I won’t see her running around in the kitchen with her laced trimmed apron making aunt Alice’s rolls or making iced tea. I am sad that she won’t be there on my wedding day. But I am grateful for all of the time I did get to have with her, and I am thankful that I will be reunited with her spirit in heaven someday.

My favorite memories with Mimi are all the holidays. Every Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas she always put out the best spread for us all: themed table cloths and decor, her china set, and so much yummy food and desserts. She always went above and beyond to make these family gatherings special for us. We also lived with Mimi and Papa for a bit while my mom was working and going to college. I remember playing with neighbor kids, going to the pool,  and learning to ride a bike. I also remember the yummy grandma soup and meatloaf dinners. I am grateful for this time because it definitely leads us down the path of a better life and opportunities.

Shortly after learning of Mimi’s passing, I made I big pot of grandma soup, which is really just vegetable soup for those who don’t know. Through cooking this meal she had made us many times before, I was able to feel closer to her. Food and cooking are a big part of how we connect to one another, and for me, it is a comforting way to continue her legacy. Travel was also a big part of Mimi’s life and it has been a big part of mine as well. I remember dozens of trips to go visit our family in North Carolina and Bermuda growing up. By the time I was 8 years old, I knew what it meant to fly standby. It was with Mimi and Papa that I actually got to go on my very first cruise as well and visit 3 different countries. I am fortunate enough to have a lot of people in my life who have sparked my love for travel, but with Mimi’s passing this spark becomes another legacy of hers that I plan to carry on.

I recently found this song called Time Trades by Jeffrey Lewis. The chorus of this song goes, “Time is going to take so much away, but there’s a way time can offer you a trade.” The song ends with, ” You have to pay times price, but you can use the time to buy you something nice. So I’ve decided recently, to trade more decently.” For me, Mimi’s passing is a reminder of how fleeting our time here is. It’s a reminder to use the time we have on what’s important: spending time with family, experiencing all of the blessings that life has to offer, and spreading the love of our creator through good works. I think this is the message we can take from Mimi’s life.

I love you, Mimi. Hope you are enjoying Heavin.