May was honestly a blur. There’s been a lot of transition and increased workload at my job, and though I still enjoy what I am doing it’s not leaving me much energy to give the other parts of my life: relationships, family, recreation, rest, creative projects, self care, etc. In all honesty, I haven’t been taking very good care of myself this month. I’ve been neglecting my physical, spiritual, and emotional needs. Still, I feel there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Until we get there, I know I’ll be focusing on getting back to the caring keeping of me.
Part of my problem lately is that eating feels like a chore. This is the downside I suppose of healing my obsessive, controlling relationship with food. I just can’t seem to make my self care anymore. I am incredibly burnt out on constantly having to prepare, plan, and consume food. I want to nourish my body. I want to feel satiated. I just don’t have the motivation or will power to make it happen consistently. This has lead to a lot of eating out (and ordering delivery), which is more spending then I really want to be doing right now. I don’t know if this resonates with anyone or if I am being hard on myself, but if anyone has advice/ideas, please feel free to reach out.
The other thing I’ll be working on is trying to get myself into a stable morning/night routine that’ll help me prioritize my needs and go into my days a little more level head. The irony is that the time I have found this easiest is when I have been at my lowest point. When things are going well, it’s harder to stick to my routine because I am not as reliant on my coping mechanism. I am a big believer of the mind body connection, meaning all the conner stones of health (mental, physical, spiritual, social, chemical, etc.) have a profound and complex impact on each other. What I want is to get to a point where I can find balance in all of these in a way that is sustainable, but I don’t know if the waters of life ever truly stable enough to allow this to happen.
I know this entry is coming off a bit melancholy, and I don’t mean it to be. I have a whole lot to be looking forward to: wedding, travel, time with friends, adventures. I am grateful for all this and I am grateful for the many blessings I do have right now. I am just feeling a bit in the trenches.
I am sure I am not alone in this, but the shooting in Uvalde has hit me really hard. Every bit of information that comes out is like daggers to my heart. Then comes the anger that drags salt through this wound. It’s human nature to try to make sense of this senseless attack and the corresponding lack of response from those who should have been heroes. In my opinion, the root of all this is multifaceted, but I have no doubt that lack of common sense gun control and better enforcement of current gun policy is a huge part of this. If you agree, please remember to vote, write your representatives, and educate yourself on gun safety/legislation.
My heart goes out to my fellow Texans in the community of Uvalde. If you have the means, please consider donating here.
Van Plan Update:
On a much lighter note, the van is officially gutted! It’s currently at the mechanic awaiting a part to fix a light that came on shortly after we purchased it. Luckily, other than this the van has a clean bill of health! Once we get the van back from the mechanic, we’ll be working on installing our fan, solar panel, and the rest of our electrical. I am very excited about moving forward with this adventure.
Wedding Plan Update:
Not too much to report on this front. Just ironing out the details. I am very ready for the planning/preparing to be over and for Brice and I to just be married. Also, the wedding itself is definitely going to be a highlight of this year.
- I got 4 new piercings this past month and I hoping to get more in the near future. The real hyper-fixation though is constantly picking at the new piercings.
- Online shopping – I wish I could blame this on how much fun I have been having building my wedding registries, but I know for a fact my obsession with curating wish lists online began long before.
- The podcast Behind the Bastards – a great listen if you like to laugh, learn, and be angry all at the same time.
- The doom and gloom of the social media new cycle.
If you have anything interesting to tell me about any of the above topics, I will gladly take suggestions, thoughts, or compliments. If you’d like to hear more about any of these topics, let me know and I might make some additional content about it. Thank for taking the time to read my thoughts. Remember to have grace with yourself. Take breaks when you need it. Take your meds. Drink lots of water. Journal, if you need to. I am excited to see what June brings. Stay groovy!