Gah! I completely missed writing a newsletter for July, and August flew by in the blink of an eye. I cannot believe how fast time is flying by and hurtling towards the wedding. When I am not at work, wedding things pretty much consume my brain real estate, except for the times I am thinking about our van conversion.
For a quick van update, not much has changed as far as the physical state of the van. We are sort of in the purchasing and hording phase of the project, which essentially means our entryway, office, and garage are filled with boxes of things waiting to be placed in their home. We’ve found flooring that we love, which will be the first thing that we lay once we’ve done some additional cleaning to the under layer of the floor.
At the time of writing this, I am preparing for my Bachelorette weekend with some of my closest friends. Excited does not even scratch the surface of how I am feeling heading into this weekend. I absolutely adore everyone that is coming, and I cannot even begin to describe how grateful I am for my Matron of Honor, who is putting all this together. It is going to be unforgettable.
All of the major planning components of the wedding are complete, but it’s all the little details that are stressing me out. I know that this is the only wedding I’ll ever have, and I just want to get it right. When Brice dies and I marry for money, I will probably just elope (joke). I wish I could say that I was the type of girl who didn’t care about weddings and was totally laid back about the experience and didn’t feel the need to drop a bunch of money on one day, but I know that is just not my truth.
I have dreamed about my wedding day my whole life, which is only intensified when I got to experience the process second-hand when my dad and MamaSummer got married. I was the jr. bridesmaid, and I was absolutely smitten with the ordeal, process, pomp, and circumstance. I have had a wedding Pinterest board as long as I’ve had an account. Which means, even though I’d love to come off as laissez faire, I have absolutely no chill. I just have a very specific vision in my head. I have worked my booty off making sure that I will be able to afford everything that I want, and I am extremely lucky to have help and support from my parents. There is just this scaley, slimy voice in my head that tells me I am going to mess something up or that I don’t deserve to have my fairytale, dream wedding.
All that aside, I am still ecstatic for the wedding and so excited to share this special day with Brice and my family and friends together as one to celebrate our commitment to each other. Even more so, I am excited to be marrying Brice and embarking the adventures we have planned ahead. These feelings of self-doubt, unfortunately, have been a common sentiment that has been trickling its way in over the past few months. I am usually a very confident person, but I have honestly been pushing myself toward a level of perfection that I know in my head is completely unattainable. Still, I want it. I’ve been getting a great deal of external validation, and it’s feeding my stupid monkey dopamine brain. I’ve been juggling glass plates for a while now, and I can feel them starting to break. I am afraid that once others notice them breaking, I’ll be exposed as a fraud.
A gross, shadow side of myself that I have become acquainted with recently is that I love to work. I am good at working. I love the feeling of being needed, and I love the perceived virtue of “hustling” and overworking. These are not inherently bad things, but the problem is that I know I am neglecting other aspects of my life that are foundational to the actual experience of being alive, such as relationships, health, and creative projects. My addiction to work is the adulteration of the extraordinary life I have envisioned for myself. It feels really lame and dumb to admit, but it’s a truth I have been avoiding facing. Even still there is a part of me that doesn’t want to let go of the validation I get from being a workaholic. I am going to working on letting this go, and I am going to try to give some of my energy and focus back to areas that matter most. I just know it will take some time.
This post got way deeper and more intense than I anticipated, but that’s sort of how things turn out in most areas of my life. I probably just need to journal more and get back to therapy, but until then I’ll just share it here for you all to enjoy.
Activism: My best friend and Matron of Honor, Sydney, is currently raising funds to study abroad in Israel/Palestine in January 2023. Please consider donating to her GoFundMe: https://gofund.me/ce6e6fbc
I recently started watching Queer Eye, and I OBSSESSED.
I can’t get enough of this song:
This album will change your life.